Afflicted

I have a hole left in my life by a love I once had
A screaming void that aches with a cold indescribable
It pulls me from behind as I try to escape its grasp
Leeching the crisp colours of life I once knew

Forever is still in my heart a life without end in my grasp
But my view is touched by loss deep and cruel
I plead silently for this to end regardless the means

A war rages between my heart and my mind relentlessly
As I try to remember life before the one that left this hole

I bleed slowly as the wound seems not to heal

Ache

The ache is always there ever present and seems eternal
How it echos throughout my life shuddering in memories
An abyss of many colours the shades of each bleeding into others
My mind frozen in shock my body gone cold and numb

Almost hating you the things you said left marks upon my soul
Almost loving you despite the things you said just to hurt me

A whirlwind surrounds my hopes and a storm devastated my past
When will this numbness end and sensation return in my life
Vertigo is ever present the land an ever shifting vista hard to see
I dread the eye of the storm in this recovery from you

Almost left the scene of the accident of my life after you
Almost rooted myself in the hope of growing again

Heat runs down my body and an electric storm my nerves
Life in black white shades of grey a mountain blocking each turn
Amnesia an unrealized dream screaming out from memory
Brief flashes of pain sear my soul and scorch my future

And the ache is always there ever present and seems eternal

Sorrow

Sorrow

How do I say I am sorry so that I can believe it?

Words seem hollow and barely touch the air

How can I speak to you when shame stills my tongue

Try as I might I cannot deny my transgression

Bare upon ground my actions cry out for retribution

Your kind forgiveness scorches my heart throughout

I stand before you as if a child knowing my mistake

My shame makes me want to run and hide my face

Kind words tear my flesh and rend my bones

How can you forgive my deeds and words before you

An emptiness holds me in its grasp as I search for a way

Your hurt calm cuts into me worse than any accusation

The forgiveness you give genuine and true

Forgiveness that I can’t seem to accept can call my own

How do I forgive myself? How can I believe yours?

How do say I’m sorry so that I can believe it?

Wonder

Wonder

I wish I knew what you felt and what your thoughts are
Do you look up at the sky as I do and cry out in pain?
Are you sunny days filled with shade and cold winds?
Or do you pass through the days quietly and warm?

The man that can control his tongue is perfect it is written
And assuredly I am not that man as I have hurt many
So I have no bitter words to say now that I have been hurt
Nor will I lash out in my pain to return pain for pain

But I wonder how your words have affected you
You have apologized and said you are sorry
But still I wonder how your words have touched your life
What lessons you have learned from what you have done

I have been forced to learn a lesson from what transpired
I am torn in two and my edges bleed a red so deep
I still want you and I shake with the desire to run away
I scream out silently my defiance of what I am expected to do

I wish I could hate and be as cold as some claim I am
But I can’t it just isn’t in me and I can’t regret that
I wish I could be defiant and defy what I should do
But I can’t it isn’t who I am even when it hurts

I wonder each time I see the light of day just who you are now
I’ve forgiven you your words and the bewildering pain they caused
However you and I still have to deal with the consequences
And I wonder who you’ve become

Surrender

Surrender

There is a beauty that steals the breath away
A wrenching beauty the drives past what the eyes alone can see
Shining twisting glory that exposes the deepest heart of hearts
In its presence the is no fear no hates no loss
Peace itself is chaotic and joy weeps before it

For this beauty every living creature yearns and seeks
Gold decays and becomes worthless before this beauty fades
Wisdom is but foolishness and light turns to dusk without it
For this beauty invigorates life itself in endless ways

Each breath it steals it returns twofold each sweeter than the last
Lustrously it radiates its beauty about all that is near
Every sound a song and each scent a rose

When two create this binding beauty a miracle occurs
All effort and sacrifice become hidden for all time

This is the beauty that cannot be conquered but found only through surrender

Stubborn

Stubborn

It is both my saviour and curse - I am stubborn
It has saved my life so many times I have lost count
Each and every achievement in my life it has been won for me
Stubborn from my first breath and my last held at bay

Every moment of pain endured - I am stubborn
I have never lost to despair no matter how often I'm downed by it
Snatching victor deftly from the jaws of defeat each time
Each victory of late a pyrrhic monument of pain extinguished by tears

I blindly keep seeking the way to go - I am stubborn 
Peace and succour I stubbornly reach out for regardless the flames
The scars of my life etched across my skin but the flame leaves none
A vision burn deep in my mind of better times and life

I wake knowing the pain to come - I am stubborn
I've stubbornly chased after dreams and the visions
I desperately wish to fail to stop to give up give in and end
I curse my stubbornness and cling to it knowing its loss is my end

Stubbornly I endure the pain knowing the pain to come
Each failure etched across my skin burning leaving no trace to see
A donkey endlessly chasing my carrot I keep striving exhausted
A blight upon my life that leaves victories and defeats indistinguishable

I am stubborn 

Something

Something

I wake and feel the loss immediately and the instinct to reach out
But I am unable to pin down what it is I am missing because of the scars
Will I ever stop needing you throughout the aftermath you left behind
Or is the future I will always never be free of the pain of you

I keep stumbling as soon as I think I'm succeeding in walking
I fall and stumble and trip as I try to heal and find hope in a future
I hate myself when I find myself wanting you again in spite of it all
I hate myself when I find myself beginning to despise the things you did

I cannot cry out or rage or hide from the memories of you of us
I still catch myself noting things to tell you about to say to you to give to you
How can I be free from someone that I gave myself to so deeply
How could you please have believed you when you said the same of me

Life has its regrets the scars accumulated of the years of life tell stories
The story of us has many chapters and the the first and last are pain
I feel cheated by the middle where hope resided and the price seemed to be paid
But the lie of it hidden by trust and your deception of commitment deceived

And your success: I regret what you said I would, I regret I married you

Rose (a poem written for a coworker when his wife died)

Rose

A rose’s sweet sent lingers in memory’s deep abide
The gentle touch of each petal on my cheek
These are the things that wake me in the night
I will grow old while a young man within
And each night from now on I will cry

A rose has thorns to protect it from its fears
Sharp teeth that bite from within my grasp
Memory rips me ragged and leaves a bloody trail
But I refuse to let go my pain for then the loss is real

I stare up at the cloudless skies and dream you by my side
Each gentle breeze upon my cheek makes me close my eyes
To wish you here and release me from my pain

Sweet sent of you lingers a fire upon my heart
A gentle touch and a sharp caress enfold me

And at last I am forced to say my fear, Goodbye

Loss

Loss

I awaken to the first light of the day and from myself I hide
Sounds are hollow and all around me a flat note fills the day
All colours muted and with each rose no smell
I may have awaken but I am not present a vacancy fills my eyes

I once was supported I once was filled up
There were no shadows ahead and no clouds hiding the sun
Each sound a song and warmth in every touch
My hunger was fed only to be found and grown anew

It wasn’t when you told me it wasn’t then at all
A scar you laid upon me rending me and making me fall
It wasn’t then that did it, for that I forgave you all
It was hope that finished that task you took upon my soul

Why you didn’t want to try I never will understand
What I may have done that drove you into his arms
I cut myself up with thoughts of this round and round I go
Speechless and without any strength I cannot even ask

Awash in anger rage and pain I stumble through the day
I jerk and halt and twist about fighting myself endlessly
Never did I expect this hurt this torching and this flame
Without defence I find myself for trust I am to blame

I still find thoughts of you ensnare me each and every day
I turn to share my thoughts with you to have you smile same
I awake to the first light and hurt feeling utterly shamed
I’ve forgiven you and try so hard to not give in to rage

Yesterday was happy then and tomorrow may once again
But without trust there is no hope for things to be the same
For it wasn’t the betrayal that ended it so it wasn’t that at all
It was the fact that you refused to try that ended it just so

I hate myself each day anew with bitterness and spite
I hate missing you and the hollowness inside
I weep for the loss of hope and the darkness upon my sight
I cannot return to what once was put my hand into the flame

Choice is everything in life each one we ever make
Each choice can devastate or build upon our hearts
Your choices affected you and I in ways through to our core
My choice is to heal some day to try and cool my rage

My shame is that it ended thus in shards upon the floor
My hopes and dreams extinguished here by you through your deed
I flee from you and run and run not knowing if I’ll stop
Sun sets upon us as our choices make us flush

Hatred

Hatred

Through all the days you schooled me in hatred I endure quietly 
Your fear and self loathing the text and writ of your education 
With the fire of your tongue and the bitter cold of your silence
You sought to elicit the reaction you could use as your fuel

Quiet was my answer during your tutorial in anger and rage
My refusal to answer according to your curriculum of hate 
Each day an uncertain mystery a walk through a minefield
Pain striking me through the heart making me bleed

When I finally do reply with forgiveness you are enraged
An offering of love is declared a lie peace declared a war
Each effort to find a reason to carry on to rebuild found lacking
Throughout your tutelage I fail to please as you never accepted:

The only thing I will ever hate is hatred

Goodbye

Goodbye

Though your leaving cuts me to the bone and leave me breathless
It is still beyond my control the feelings that well up in the void you leave
A chill that the sun cannot dispel a dryness that no amount of rain will quench
I look to where you were and not even the mists of time will hide your absence

If I run and seek you out I cannot find you or stop my eternal search
A longing boils within me and robs me of sleep and peace
A bitter taste upon my tongue and a sweet longing vie for my attention
I make outcry of my anger and loss before the masses and alone

The loss makes me weep and I merely pass through the days
If I could I would that you were here again by my side
But that is not within my grasp to create and make the loss fade
A pain an echo and a whisper within the everyday is what I have

And this is why I can not say...

Embers and Ice

Embers and Ice

Embers slide down my spine and come to rest in my belly
A chill wind blows past my ear and my bangs fall across my eyes
An all consuming emptiness fills me like like the echo of sounds unheard
As a shadow only appears in bright light and shade in the light of day

I long for the smell of your breathe in my face and the musk of your sweat
I need the sound of your panting breathe and the shuddering sighs
A trembling touch along my arm and my hair stand on end
An electric sense of presence presciently causes a skip of my heart

The more I have the more I want the more I give the more I share
The more I share the more I need the more desire builds between us
And the fire builds and spreads until the conflagration cannot stop
A waking dream that doesn't end and that sleep can't end

Embers and ice dance between us igniting and quenching desire
A cycle of love and lust that burns without consuming 
Frenetic actions only the pause between the intensity of sensations
Satiated rest only the pause that gives passage to new explorations
    

Conflagration

Conflagration 

No matter what I do the conflagration grows and the flames spread
I call down a deluge and yet the fire is not extinguished
It grows without control or bounds spreading throughout my veins
I cannot hide and I cannot quench this fire threatening me

I seek escape and I thrash about in desperation as I wonder what to do
I look for help as those around me try but they only fan the flames
Must I die to become what they demand must I be consumed?
They ask oh so little only all that I am and can become

I've lost my way my map is gone and I can not see the way any more
Yet I stand my ground and say no more I will not yield my life
I will not fight as I flee the fire that burns all round as a pyre
I go to ground and find succour amongst the roots and thorns

I await the time that I might grow and give shaded to the burn
Time for peace and calm gentle breeze to bask here in the sun
For until then all that I have is a fire throughout my veins
And a hope for rest since this conflagration has already begun 

Broken

Broken

I am broken shattered into pieces that just haven’t fallen apart yet
Cracked throughout and possibly beyond repair
A strain beyond support and a weight upon my shoulders
I am sundered and beaten and dashed upon rocks

I seem to stand against the wind but this is a lie and deception
I just do not have the strength to fall and collapse is beyond my ability
I am too stupid to know my own defeat and blind to my own surrender
I go on gently moving slowly through the day and ease into the night

I am shattered through and through a puzzle work in glass
I am devastated a land sown with salt and poisoned wells
A mirage of my former self and an involuntary lie I am
I am a wave upon the rocks dissolved and dispersed

Broken I am and shattered no sense of self untouched
Pain exists that words cannot describe
Shattered I am and broken in ways unbound
Words are lost and meaning cannot be found

I am broken and lost without will to find my way
I scintillate as light upon me shines and illuminate my cracks
A long wind blows and drives me along a path of stones
Pain exists and seems my endless home

Synesthesia Pain

Synesthesia Pain

A swirl of colour before my eyes signals the onset of pain

That deep seated twist of something in my gut invades

The smell of lavender pervades and cloyingly surrounds me

My skin pricks at every touch of my clothes as I move

But the same old same reaches out and grabs me tight

Regardless I fight the old new struggle for control

My grip is lax and shakes ripple through my body clear

A ringing in my ears begins to reach a crescendo tone

Lavender becomes rose becomes old oak becomes noise

Touch slides down my vision as it all becomes a fog of sense

A chaos storm begins to crash down upon me from all directions

Cold white noise begins to climb up my spine and it overwhelms

Loud light brushes down my arms as the storm of my senses continues

Composites of my senses collide and coalesce and separate again

Nerves on fire and electric tremors flow upon my perceptions

Silence now just a memory as day after day the onslaught occurs

And then a crack and suddenly peace shudders through my body

Until next time

Until the next migraine

Synesthesia

Surrender

Surrender

There is a beauty that steals the breath away
A wrenching beauty the drives past what the eyes alone can see
Shining twisting glory that exposes the deepest heart of hearts
In its presence the is no fear no hate no loss
Peace itself is chaotic and joy weeps before it

For this beauty every living creature yearns and seeks
Gold decays and becomes worthless before this beauty fades
Wisdom is but foolishness and light turns to dusk without it
For this beauty invigorates life itself in endless ways

Each breath it steals it returns twofold each sweeter than the last
Lustrously it radiates its beauty about all that is near
Every sound a song and each scent a rose

When two create this binding beauty a miracle occurs
All effort and sacrifice become hidden for all time

This is the beauty that cannot be conquered but found only through surrender

Time (a 2nd poem)

Time

Time has proven to be an enemy of mine
Since as the years have past so has your love for me
Your endless promises of renewal have turned to regret
And hope has fled and become out of reach

Time has planted a seed of pain and nurtured it well
Its blossoms have bloomed and envelope me
The choking haze of these flowers of hurt
Sting as badly as your words of despise

Time salts my wounds and tears away the scars
I am left disoriented and lost within myself
Not even silence able to console me
The echoes of broken promises and spite surround me

I long to run away from amongst the ruins I'm now in
To find a peace if possible that will not cost my life
The peace of future ages where wound are healed aright
But I shall not find such peace you see

For time is no friend of mine

Wind

Wind

A lonely winds blows right through me

The sound of pebbles on rock tumble round

As the wind blows right through me true

Stars scattered above scintillate as the sky turns around

And still the wind blows through me

I anchor myself to the ground gripping as hard as I can

The echoes of a silent scream crashes over me

As the sky hits the ground with a slam

Blue on blue light falls on the grey stone at my feet

And lonely wind tugs at me around my being

The chill reaches bone and the flesh grows numb

Sight sharpens as each breath is stolen

Rough shale drags each step as distant suns watch on

Weary and silent a fight upon each sustained

A rest is all that is sought

Why

Why

A child asks about the sky and why it has colour

A dog asks you to play upon the field

An infant can ask for love and care with just a glance

A grandparent can ask not to be forgotten with a tear

Why is just a cry for aid, a request to drive away dark

Why has power and can stop the bravest in their tracks

Why is subtle and complex in just a single syllable

Why is the question I ask at night in my prayers

Impertinence and ingenuity go hand in hand in 'Why'

It is the question that should always be asked

It is always feared by the narrow minded

Ingenuous is its source, from the soul it should come

Why do you turn away and why do you cry

Why do you speak but never ask what you wish

Why does your heart race when you avoid what you wish

Why does your smile hide a smile, your laugh mirth itself

Why

Want

Want

I want to see your smile in the morning as the light streams in the window

I want to feed you peeled grapes for breakfast

What I want is to see every daybreak fresh and new through your eyes

What I want is you by my side for all mornings to come

I want to hear your laugh in the dark of the night as the stars go by

I want to touch your neck and hear your sigh

What I want is to explore the night anew with you each evening

What I want is you in my every dream and fantasy

I want to feel your body move next to mine as we dance upon the floor

I want to take your breathe away with every touch

What I want is you by my side for every song to be played and sung

What I want is you by my side for each adventure to come

I want to smell your scent upon each breathe of the wind upon the air

I want to take your scent and wrap it around me fast

What I want is to find and seek and search the skys with you

What I want is you in my arms held tight as we dance upon clouds

What I want is what I want and what I want is YOU